As humans, it is inevitable that we will experience a range of emotions throughout the course of our lives, shame being one of them. It is natural for self-confidence to go through ups and downs and for us to feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and misunderstood. However, like anything in excess, shame can become toxic when it overwhelms you and affects how you show up in the world, in your relationships, and for yourself. Toxic shame can lead to patterns of self-destruction and self-hatred and cause you to lose your sense of self. 

Shame vs Guilt 

Shame goes a step further than guilt. Guilt is “I did something bad,” versus shame, which is “I am bad.” Feelings of guilt often recognize that although we feel we’ve done something wrong, it does not define us. Shame is connected to who you are as a person and your overall identity. 

When we judge others, they become objects in our minds. Judgment is dehumanizing and reduces people to the sum of their problems. The same goes with toxic shame towards ourselves. We forgo a sense of compassion and grace for ourselves and that’s what can be so toxic. 

What leads to toxic shame? 

Shame is a learned behavior. It can be trickled down from parents and family members, teachers, friends, and society. Seemingly minuscule comments that were made to us or in front of us could have deeply affected us as children whose minds are soaking up information like a sponge. When our actions are criticized, it creates room for the understanding that although something we’ve done needs improvement, we are still worthy of grace. When we as individuals are criticized, it distorts our sense of self and leads to the toxic belief that “I am bad.” 

How does toxic shame affect us in the long run? 

It affects our relationships

Toxic shame disrupts our ability to connect with others and leaves us feeling depleted, worthless, and unlovable. When you exhibit toxic shame, people around you withdraw, feel alone, alienated, and want to rescue you. No one should be rescued. Rescuing is an act that produces toxic relationships. 

It can also affect your ability to effectively communicate in your relationships and prevent people from opening up to you out of fear that you’ll emotionally shut down or become defensive. 

It prevents post-traumatic growth. 

There is no doubt that it can take time and patience to move through the trauma of past experiences. It is so important to give yourself time to process, grieve, and work through trauma so that you can move forward in life. When shame is added into the mix, it can take longer to heal and grow from the trauma because we’re stuck in a cycle of self-disgust and lack of compassion. 

It can be emotionally damaging 

When you are in a state of toxic shame, other unresolved emotions will be brought up to the surface. Feelings like insecurity, anger, fear, resentment, and distrust can arise and make it difficult to sustain healthy boundaries in relationships. 

How to work through toxic shame

Notice your inner dialogue

Paying attention to the stories you’re telling yourself is the first step to working through toxic shame. It’s easy to go through life numbing ourselves so that we don’t need to think about what brings us pain and shame and uncomfortable feelings. It feels easier and safer to numb our emotions with drugs and alcohol, social media, work, or other people’s problems that are not ours to solve. And to some extent, it is easier. It can be incredibly vulnerable to sit with our thoughts and feelings and express them, even if it’s just to ourselves. By simply becoming more aware of how you perceive yourself and the beliefs you hold about yourself, you will begin to understand why these feelings of shame have been so prevalent. 

Try to reframe your words 

Instead of saying, “I’m stupid and a failure for doing poorly on that test” → “I’m disappointed that I didn’t do well on that test but I know I did my best.” 

Instead of saying, “Gosh, I’m so ugly” → “I’m not feeling that cute today and that’s okay.” 

Instead of saying, “I’m worthless and unloveable” → “I’m struggling with my self-confidence and would like some reassurance.” 

Practice self-acceptance

Acceptance is the antidote to shame. Honor your imperfections and recognize that part of being human is making mistakes. 

Spend time doing things you love 

When you’re engaging in activities that bring you happiness and peace, you will see yourself with more loving eyes. When you take care of yourself and prioritize your own joy, it becomes easier to speak to yourself kindly. 

Surround yourself with people who lift you up 

When you surround yourself with people who speak positively about themselves and others, it subconsciously helps you speak positively about yourself too. If you’re with people who are constantly speaking negatively about themselves and others, you will likely follow their lead. 

Explore therapy 

Therapy is a beautiful space where you can express your hurt, fear, anger, and deepest darkest shame. We hold a space for you to express yourself and heal in a compassionate relationship. I know you often wonder what we, as therapists, might be thinking. Believe me, a good therapist appreciates you and all you bring to the table because together we explore the patterns that help and the patterns you want to change. There is no judgment in therapy, only curiosity about life and change. 

If you’re experiencing toxic shame, there is hope. It’s important to recognize that although it’s not your fault, it is your responsibility, and you have the power to change your self-narrative. This power comes from accepting responsibility for your part, having self-compassion, and working collaboratively with your loved ones to develop understanding and compassion. 

If you are holding on to immense guilt and shame, click here to schedule a meeting with one of our qualified therapists or call us at 281-766-3376.