The key to conflict isn’t avoiding it but learning to manage it. Although we can’t completely prevent conflict, we can learn more about our partner’s likes, dislikes, stressors, and hopes for the future. Furthermore, we can identify hot topics that cause fights.

Did you know that 75-80% of conflicts that couples experience are perpetual issues?

Perpetual issues are problems that stem from each partner’s beliefs, values, upbringing, experience in the world, personality, and are rooted in who they are as a person. Examples of topics that create perpetual conflict in couples include but are not limited to money, sex, extended family, parenting, and housework. Most couples can identify 2-5 core topics that when discussed escalate into unmanaged conflict.

Most couples come to therapy 6 years after the problems started, and they are gridlocked. Both sides feel justified and neither party is budging. We help couples learn to talk about these problems differently. Couples learn to regulate their emotions and autonomic nervous system (ANS) responses with the Safe and Sound Protocol, and they learn skills to self-soothe that include deep breathing, mindfulness, and thought stopping. Couples learn communication skills that teach active listening, focus, and ways to provide their partner with empathy and validation to show they heard what was said.

We help couples get off autopilot and into the awareness of their own needs and desires. Our therapists stay actively engaged in the session while couples talk. Each partner shares their perspective without criticism or defensiveness while staying focused on the topic. We sometimes joke that couples try to bring everything but the kitchen sink into a fight, and relationship therapy helps these couples get off autopilot and into calm discussions that facilitate empathy and understanding. Our therapists intervene and help couples get back on track before conversations become overwhelming so neither partner feels threatened or hurt. Couples learn to express their needs to each other, problem-solve issues from week to week, and learn how to discuss conflict topics without either partner becoming overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated.

Conflict never goes away. Repeated conflicts can lead to divorce and toxic patterns of anger and withdrawal. Angry outbursts are frightening for couples, and partners distance themselves and withdraw to calm things. The problem with this cycle is that couples get stuck on the merry-go-round of problems, and start thinking about divorce. Get off the merry-go-round and learn skills that will help you go from chaos to control.

couples therapy can help get your relationship back on track.

All of our therapists at Ray Family Therapy are trained in the Gottman Method and have expertise in helping couples work through challenges and rediscover passion and intimacy. If you’re looking to strengthen your relationship, call us. We’re here to help.