You felt shocked the moment you discovered your partners online behaviors. An accidental discovery led you to their sexually explicit chats and emails. Angry and curious, you went on to learn about their meetups with sexual partners either in person or online. Your family as you knew it is broken, devastated, and you feel lost. The holiday stress feels overwhelming, and you want to fast-forward past all the festivities. Living this nightmare is too painful. Your kids, family, and friends expect you to be smiling, joyful, and engaged in all the holiday cheer, but you feel too much shame to tell them what is happening. Protecting your children from the pain becomes your primary goal. You cope by putting on a smile as you trod through life.
Tips to Get You Through the Holidays After Betrayal Trauma
1. Self-care is priority right now. Yes, you, prioritize YOU. Start each day with a plan to pamper yourself in some way. Hire a babysitter and meet a friend for virtual coffee, get a massage, haircut, or run errands alone. Exercise might help you feel better, so find a routine that works for your level of health, fitness, and ability. Take time each day for prayer or meditation, journal your thoughts and emotions, and delve into a craft or hobby that brings you joy.
2. Find a therapist or coach. There are individuals specially trained through The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) who work with betrayed partners of sex addicts. You need someone who will listen, validate your emotions, provide understanding and empathy. APSATS trained clinicians and coaches are well-versed in the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model and possess the skills to help you develop self-awareness, self-compassion, and boundaries that help you gain agency, worth, and value in your relationship and life.
3. Say no. Say no to anything that feels too overwhelming or you are doing out of obligation. You are the priority right now, and if you don’t have the energy to bake and decorate sugar cookies then don’t. You can say no to requests that feel burdensome. Yes, you are obligated to do some things like putting gas in your car, taking care of your children and yourself, but you don’t owe anyone anything at this time.
4. Set boundaries that feel comfortable and fair to you. It is reasonable to include the addict in your holiday rituals, so please don’t shame yourself for staying in the relationship or preserving holiday traditions for your children. It is okay to set boundaries with the addict and insist that they attend their 12-step meetings and therapy appointments during the holidays, report any acting-out behavior within 24-hours, and rules around how you will interact with each other based on the addicts growth in recovery and abstinence. For example, it is completely reasonable to say, “I want you to spend the holiday with us, but if I find out that you sexually acted out, I will have to ask you to stay at a hotel for that day and night.” You are not ending the relationship but setting a firm boundary that acting out will not be tolerated during family/holiday time.
Coping with Sexual Betrayal Trauma
The holidays are meant to be shared with those we love, and the pandemic presents unique patterns of isolation, and sexual betrayal trauma compounds the stress and anxiety present during this time. Please know that you are not alone. There are thousands of betrayed partners hurting just like you. There is help and support available during this difficult time, and many of us are offering group meetings where you can connect and build relationships with other betrayed partners experiencing the same trauma.
Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation to start the process of healing on your own online or our offices in San Marcos and Cypress, Texas.