Do this when conversations get heated
Every time you respond positively to your partner with affection, kindness, love, empathy, validation, acts of service, and spending quality time together, you are building a lifetime of love and putting major bank into your emotional bank account. All these positive interactions provide a buffer for the rough times.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I went on a reasonably stressful trip to visit a family member who is unwell. I won’t go into the details, but we finally bickered a bit during our time there. Did it blow up? Nope! We know when to stop, let it go, and our emotional bank account is high so in our minds, we are both able to shelve it and acknowledge that stress from the week is spilling over into our lives.
This is married life! You have ups and downs — for sure. If you consistently turn towards and offer loving connections to one another, the minor bickering will be very infrequent and much less likely to blow up because it isn’t the norm.
That leads me to my main tip of the week: use humor and affection during a conflict before it gets too heated.
According to the research of John Gottman, couples can turn a fight around in less than 3 minutes (!!) with humor, affection, or a repair; but if you are like most couples, you get caught in a cycle of attacking and defending and find yourselves in a heated and loud fighting match.
According to Gottman, if your fight exceeds 3 minutes, then it’s time to take a break. Here are a few examples of ways you can use humor or affection during conflict:
“You’re right, that was stupid. I’ll do better next time.”
“Awe, honey, are you trying to trick me again?”
“Hey, can I give you a hug?”
Watch your tone when you say these things. Make sure you are calm, centered, and really listening, and making eye contact with your partner.
We at Ray Family Therapy understand the ups and downs of relationships and are passionate about helping couples learn to manage conflict and reignite passion and intimacy. Chad and Connie are taking on new couples now. I invite you to reach out and book a session!