The holiday season is a time filled with a range of emotions. For many, it can be a time of excitement and joy about seeing family and enjoying delicious food and fun music. But it can also be a time when emotions are heightened and can bring up feelings of sadness and grief. It could also be a time when you experience a feeling of dread about spending time with toxic family members.

That's exactly why holidays are a perfect time to engage in self-care by creating healthy boundaries. Boundaries are a way humans protect themselves from burnout, unhealthy relationships, overworking, overhelping, and giving more than we give ourselves. Let’s talk about healthy ways you can set boundaries so you can ease into the new year with energy and excitement.

For this newsletter, I asked a few of my colleagues what their top tools are for setting healthy boundaries during the holidays. Here's what they said!

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Tips from psychotherapist Amy Rollo

I talked with Amy Rollo, owner and founder of Heights Family Counseling about ways boundaries help couples and other relationships. Boundaries are a gift to a relationship. It’s saying I care about you enough, that I’m creating a way for us to stay connected in an emotionally safe way. Remember that you are saying yes to yourself and the relationship when creating a healthy boundary. If the person cannot respect the boundary, it’s not up to you to force them to understand. However, it is up to you to stay consistent.

When family time gets difficult, make sure to have some space to self-soothe and recover. Go for a walk, take a bath, read a book or whatever you need to care for yourself.

How Parents can protect their mental health during the holidays

Tips from Anne Russey, LPC-S

I also spoke with the counselor and owner of Anne Russey Counseling, Anne Russey, LPC-S and she suggested three ways moms and dads can protect their mental health during the holidays.

First, she shared how important it is to recognize and respect your own limits. “Do not say yes to everything. Saying no will help you leave time, energy and space for the things that matter the most to you.” Anne provided a concrete example of how to set a boundary without feeling like a jerk. “Thank you so much for inviting us to dinner and church. We cannot attend both events. Which one is most important to you for us to attend?” Setting a boundary in this way preserves your energy and conserves time for things you want to do. She further explained that her example is a way people can say “YES, AND…this is what works for us, does that work for you?”

Second, Anne encourages parents to adjust expectations for themselves, and others. While the holidays can be magical, they can also be stressful. Expect and prepare for the meltdowns. Have an exit strategy. Be as kind and patient with yourself, and your people (big & little) as you can. You are in charge of setting and adjusting your own bar.

Third, she recommends communicating your plans early and often. This year is not too early to communicate changes you plan to make next year. As soon as you know your plans, or boundaries, communicate them to those who need to know them in clear and concise terms. You do not owe anyone an explanation for the boundaries you set- but it may help to communicate what they are so no one is left feeling uncertain about what to expect.

Managing stress during the holiday season

Tips from Vanja Buckley, LCSW

Vanja Buckley, LCSW, owner of VPB Therapy shared with me fantastic insight on how to manage stress and anxiety during the holiday season. She explained that the holiday season is often filled with a number of demands, which can be a major source of stress, anxiety and depression for many people. Hosting, cleaning, shopping, preparing meals, entertaining, attending multiple events and often feeling the pressure to accommodate various guests and requests (including individuals who aren’t necessarily welcome or can be a source of toxic energy in our lives) is a lot for anybody to handle.

As a result, we find ourselves feeling stressed and overwhelmed, which makes us enjoy the holidays less and sometimes dread this season. Emotions can be heightened during the holiday season for other reasons such as loss, painful childhood experiences or traumatic memories, which makes self-care crucial at this sensitive time.

There are several things that could be helpful in preventing and managing holiday stress and learning to recognize your triggers. Utilizing these skills and strategies can make a big difference.

Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful:

Acknowledge your feelings
Get a mindfulness app and start using it regularly
Reach out to supportive friends, family members or support groups
Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries with others
Get organized and plan ahead by scheduling specific activities such as shopping and baking
Take the time to develop a budget so you don’t feel that spending is out of control
Maintain healthy habits such as exercise, sufficient sleep, yoga, and therapy
Set a little bit of time for yourself every day in order to engage in at least one self-soothing activity like reading, walking, a lunch with a friend.

With some planning and self-care, holidays can become a lot less stressful and more enjoyable.

It is also important that we discuss how holidays are especially difficult if you recently experienced a divorce, separation or betrayal trauma.

If you are separated or divorced from your partner, you might need to create new holiday rituals, depending on your circumstances. If you have children, you will need to consider how you will split time between your homes and families. If you are having difficulty coming up with a plan, a marriage and family therapist can help you amicably create a holiday schedule that will meet the needs of your children, your families, and both partners.

If your relationship recently experienced infidelity or betrayal trauma, it is important that the betrayed partner be given time to grieve amidst the chaos of the holiday season. If you are a betrayed partner, set aside time each day for self-care, prioritize your health and well-being over the hustle and bustle of holidays. You might need to simplify your traditions this year, rely on family and friends for help, and seek support from a therapist or support group.

We at Ray Family Therapy are all trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and can help you through this. We help couples get back on track after weeks, months, or years of fighting. I invite you to reach out to schedule an initial consultation.

Book a consultation

Setting Boundaries During the Holiday Season