What Is Gaslighting?
You’ve probably heard the term “gaslighting” as more and more people are aware of this sneaky tactic that people use (sometimes even unknowingly) to gain power and control in a relationship. It’s so important to be able to identify when you or someone you know is being gaslit, and how to stop the pattern.
Gaslighting in Addiction
People experiencing process and substance addictions use gaslighting to confuse their family, partner, or loved one, hide the addiction, and cover up addictive patterns that foster secrecy and isolation. Gaslighting causes family members to doubt their own reality and perception and question their own sanity. People struggling with addictions use gaslighting to distract others from their behaviors and convince family members that the addiction doesn’t really exist. Although the family members see the patterns, the gaslighting confuses them to a point that they blame themselves for the addiction and become convinced that the problem isn’t really a problem. These toxic patterns enable the person experiencing an addiction to continue to use, self-harm, and put themselves in dangerous situations that threaten their safety.
Gaslighting in Emotional Abuse
Conflict between couples is toxic when emotional abuse and gaslighting are present. Gaslighting is used during conflict as an abusive way to destroy their partner’s confidence. The gaslighting is so subtle, that most people don’t even realize it’s happening. The person using gaslighting uses this tactic to control the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of their partner. This cycle happens repeatedly and is so subtle, that the victim feels stupid, unsure of themself, afraid, and questions their own sanity.
DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender
People struggling with addictions or engaged in emotionally abusive behavior use DARVO to avoid accountability when they are confronted about the problems or behaviors. DARVO is a form of gaslighting used to hide behaviors. Common denial statements used during DARVO are:
“It didn’t happen.”
“It hardly ever happens.”
“It didn’t hurt you.”
DARVO sounds like this:
“What are you talking about? I didn’t do that, and even if I did, you know I rarely do that type of thing, and honestly, it’s harmless. [DENY, MINIMIZE] Why are you getting so worked up about this? [ATTACK] You’re always on my case about something.” [REVERSE VICTIM OFFENDER]
Types of Denial Language used in DARVO
Outright denial—the person denies any truth to the allegations. “I didn’t do that!”
Amnesia—can’t recall the time, substance use, and behavior. “I don’t remember what happened last Friday? You know how busy my work is, I can’t remember every detail of my day.”
Minimization—Admits to some aspect of the allegation, but denies the full extent. “Sure, I sent her a text, but it was nothing, seriously, it was work-related.”
Projection—blames their family, the substance, or their partner. “You always blame me for these problems, you’re the one with the issue.”
Conversion—this one is sneaky, they admit to the problem, addiction, or behavior but declare they are reformed. “That’s the old me. I’ve changed. I promise, I don’t do that anymore and never will. You have my word.”
Gaslighting creates confusion, distorts reality, and over time the victim feels unsure of their own thoughts, experiences self-doubt, and feels helpless. This process happens covertly, repeatedly, and slowly etches away the victim’s ability to stand up for themself.
Gaslighting in Childhood
Gaslighting is also used between children in school. We talked with Amy Rollo, LPC, founder, and owner of Heights Family Counseling about this issue. Gaslighting is a way to manipulate people by telling them their reality isn't true. We see this starting young and even in a well-intended manner. For instance, how many times have young girls been told that a boy wasn't bullying them, but instead had a "crush" on them? This is harmful for many reasons. First, they begin to form a core belief that the boys' needs are greater than theirs. Their crush makes it okay to treat them this way. Another reason this is harmful is that it teaches the child that their reality isn't true or doesn't matter. Lastly, when they go to someone for help, the help isn't provided; this inaction teaches the young child to not talk, keep it to themselves, and not share when they are uncomfortable around others.
Gaslighting can continue throughout childhood. Whether telling a child a peer isn't mean, but just acting that way because "you are pretty," "smart," "intimidated by you," or whatever we share when a child or adolescent shares they are being bullied or mistreated. Instead of trying to discount your child's reality, sit with them and listen, and ask questions about how they are feeling. Try validating why it makes sense they feel that way and empathize with their experience. If you want to teach your child a different perspective, you must completely validate their experience first, then ask questions out of curiosity to help your child take another perspective. Otherwise, we are just unintentionally gaslighting them and having them question their reality.
Gaslighting in Friendships
Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder, and owner of Catalyst Counseling said:
“Gaslighting in friendships is more common than one may think. I mean, they're your friends, right? They wouldn't do that to you.” She went on to explain how gaslighting is most likely to occur in friendships, because manipulation thrives off intimacy. Gaslighting is denying and invalidating the reality of others. They flip the script and have you believe that you are the problem and troublemaker in the relationship.
In friendships, you may see a pattern of shaming someone for their choices, subtly undermining the other person in the form of care like “you're just stressed,” or they want you to feel inadequate because it is easier to control you, “you don't remember anything...that's not what I said and that's not what happened,” “let's not make this a thing,” or “you're too sensitive.”
If we learn about our own blind spots, our own triggers, and interpersonal patterns—as well as how we respond emotionally — we become less appealing to gaslighters. Gaslighting only works when a victim isn't aware of what's going on. Once you become alert to the pattern, it will be easier to combat.
The Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting occurs across the lifespan in many different types of relationships. Over time, victims become depressed, and feel too exhausted and worn, but learning about and identifying shifts this for the victim. Learning about gaslighting empowers victims to recognize the behaviors. Victims feel empowered and more self-assured with this new knowledge, as depressive symptoms subside. Find a therapist that specializes in gaslighting, they can help you identify the patterns, make a plan, and can even connect you with a group of other victims for support.
Join our Betrayal Trauma Support Group
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Call Ray Family Therapy at 281-766-3376 to enroll.