What does a toxic friendship look like?
You’ve noticed that lately when you spend time with your friend, you feel drained, unhappy, and unappreciated. Perhaps they talk incessantly about their own problems, always seem to be competing with you in some way, or they gossip so much that you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Everyone has bad days with friends, but these could be signs that you are in a toxic friendship.
Toxic friendships affect your physical and mental health, so let’s discuss the signs you are in a toxic friendship.
Insults and chronic put-downs
Friends joke around with each other, but if a friend is insulting you or making hurtful comments to you, this is emotional abuse! Friends should lift each other up, and though the occasional jokes are ok, chronic put-downs are a red flag.
Examples of chronic put-downs could include using a nickname you hate, sharing an embarrassing photo of you on social media, or teasing you and then telling you that you’re too sensitive.
Sure, jokes are funny, but this type of harassment isn’t funny, it’s a form of bullying that puts your so-called “friend” in a powerful position. It’s time to even the playing field. Set boundaries for yourself. Tell them what they said is uncalled for, and if they don’t change, you might need to cut ties with this toxic friend.
2. Gossip and spreading rumors
Is your friend sharing things with other people that you expected them to keep confidential? Does your friend constantly gossip to you about other people and their problems?
This could be a red flag, and you will want to be careful about sharing anything personal you wouldn’t want other people to know. These types of friends use gossip and rumors to bolster their sense of power and superiority in friendships.
Chances are, this is a toxic friendship, and you might need to set boundaries such as not sharing confidential information, requesting that they stop gossiping to you, and ending conversations where they are sharing rumors about other people.
3. Bad influence
This type of friend pressures you to do things that are unsafe, illegal, or mean.
For example, your friend tells her parents that she is staying the night with you, but goes out to a party instead, or your friend insists that you drive because you’ve had less to drink.
You should be able to trust your friends. When people put us in danger, it diminishes our sense of safety and ability to make good decisions. You might need to end the friendship if you feel that your safety is at risk. Never risk your own health or safety for a friendship, especially if it could land you in jail or the hospital.
4. Controlling
A friend who demands that you cut off a relationship with a friend or romantic partner, tries to control what you wear or speaks for you instead of letting you express your own opinion could be trying to control you.
Be careful! This type of person wants to dominate the relationship and use control to gain power. Friendships should feel equal and reciprocal. If someone tries to control how you think and act, this could be a red flag that you are in a toxic relationship.
You can stand up for yourself and let your friend know that you are not okay with these patterns. If they don’t change, you might need to set more solid boundaries…like ending the friendship.
5. Flakes and uses you
This friend cancels at the last minute or doesn’t show up. You might find out later that they ditched you for something better. This friend might always ask for favors, but when you need something, your texts are left on “read” and calls go unanswered.
You can point out these behaviors to your friend. Hey, sometimes we all flake, or give more than we take. If your friendship doesn't change, though, this could be a red flag that the friendship is toxic.
Toxic friendships harm your physical and mental health. If you are worried that you might be in a toxic friendship and want to create more meaningful connections, reach out to our team at Ray Family Therapy. We would be honored to be a part of your journey.