What to do BEFORE you give advice

When someone tells you a problem, stressor, or something that makes them feel sad — stay quiet, listen, and offer kind words. Listening always precedes advice.

Your intentions may be in the right place when you jump in to share your thoughts when someone is opening up to you, but it can often leave people feeling unseen and unheard. You may often have a hard time witnessing people in distress (and of course you do, you’re human)! However, it is not your job to manage people’s emotions for them and fix all their problems. 

Instead, try this:

Do your best to be present and truly listen. Notice any impulses to “be the savior” and offer unsolicited advice. Instead, show them you are there, fully listening. Kind words can include things like:

• “That’s awful!”

• “You must be exhausted!”

• “How frustrating!”

• “That completely makes sense.”

The person will feel understood and appreciate your empathy and validation offered through these words.

Know that you can ASK if they want advice or help solving the problem. If they say yes, then you can offer suggestions and insight. If they say NO, then stay quiet and know that you offered what they needed now. They might not be ready to problem-solve. The key here is listening and honoring their feelings.